Calm
The default. Tea, closed eyes and a smile nobody can read.
- The tell
- The steam goes straight up.
- Trigger
- A loud chewer.
Looks peaceful. Mostly.
Detail Yakuza is a man in a white suit who drinks tea, knows interesting and weird things, hides remarkably well and has one very short fuse. Pick a face below. Or just wait.
Anger forecast today
--%
Checking the tea.
Calm. Tea first. Questions later.
Five faces, one suit
Same man, same sunglasses on the head, same gold chain. The only thing that changes is what he is about to do to you.
Sensei
Reading glasses, one raised eyebrow and a fact nobody asked for.
- The tell
- One finger goes up.
- Trigger
- Someone starts with "actually".
Ninja
Hood up, eyes only. Arrives before the meeting, leaves before the bill.
- The tell
- You cannot find him.
- Trigger
- Small talk.
Detective
Brass magnifying glass, one enormous eye and a red thread of evidence.
- The tell
- One eye, much too large.
- Trigger
- An unexplained crumb.
Rage
Flames in the eyes, cup in pieces. Lasts about four seconds, then he is embarrassed.
- The tell
- The steam turns dark.
- Trigger
- Cold tea.
Face six
Nobody has seen it. He is, as usual, hiding behind something.
- The tell
- A hand at the edge of a wall.
- Trigger
- Being found.
A day in his life
Tea in the morning, coffee he hates by lunch, Japanese he does not speak, a mask on the train and one finger gun before bed. Tap anything.
-
A calm cup of tea
Green, hot, no sugar. The steam goes straight up. Nothing in the world is wrong yet.
-
Then, coffee
He does not like it. He drinks it anyway. It gives him anxious energy and makes him feel alive.
-
Japanese? No idea
He knows nothing about the language. Pick a word and watch him not understand it.
-
The mask on the train
An absurdly premium respirator, one hand on the strap, and every sneeze taken personally.
-
Last, a finger gun
Aim with your pointer. Click to fire. He blows the smoke off, because he is that kind of man.
Services nobody asked for
A short menu. Prices are in tea, facts and small bows. Nothing here is real, which is the best part.
Street interviews
He interviews strangers for you
Microphone in hand, he stops people on the street and asks them your questions while you stay home. Round one, he is calm. Round two, he follows up with a fact the stranger did not know. Round three, someone asks who he is working for.
- How
- Send him your questions, a street corner and a cup of tea.
- Price
- Three cups of tea and one list of questions.
- Side effects
- You may get honest answers. People may also walk faster.
Ninja + Detective
He uses AI for you
He opens the chat, types with two fingers, wears the sunglasses indoors and reports back in a calm voice. Wrong answers are filed as "creative interpretations". To be fair, you could do this yourself. He just looks better doing it.
- How
- Tell him the question. He will rephrase it, twice.
- Price
- One interesting fact per prompt.
- Side effects
- You will learn what a context window is, wanted or not.
Any mood
Tell him what you want to say
Type anything you want to tell him. He answers in the mood you pick. Is it a conversation? A booth? A confession? Nobody has decided, and it is open right below.
- How
- Stand in the booth. Say something.
- Price
- Free. Tea is welcome.
- Side effects
- He may get angry. He will apologise.
Also on the menu
- Outsourced angerTwo seconds for a late bus, four for a parking ticket. Smoke from the ears costs extra.Cold tea, returned
- Vanishing from partiesSmoke bomb included. Cherry blossom petals on request.One goodbye you do not have to say
- Facts at the worst possible momentDelivered in meetings, elevators and speeches.Your full attention
- The case of the missing biscuitRed thread, magnifying glass, one very large eye.The biscuit, if found
- Standing next to you looking calmA peaceful presence in a white suit. If anyone bothers you, see: outsourced anger.Tea, hot
- Drinking the coffee for youHe dislikes it. It makes him feel alive anyway. You get the energy, he gets the shakes.One sip of sympathy
- Wearing the mask on the train for youPremium filtration, personal suspicion of every sneeze, and a calm hand on the strap.A seat, if one is free
- Pretending not to understand JapaneseHe understands all of it. He will deny this, convincingly, for as long as you need.A song you did not hear him hum
- The finger-gun greetingOne wink, one pew, from across the street. Works on friends and on people you owe a message.A wink back
- Formal bowingFor apologies, thank-yous and awkward doorways.A bow back
Go on. Say it.
Nothing you type leaves this page. He answers from his own small stock of opinions, in whichever mood you choose.
Detail YakuzaCalm
Detail Yakuza
Go on. I am listening. The tea is still warm.
Useless? Interesting.
He keeps a drawer of interesting and weird things for moments when nobody has asked. Press the button. He will not stop you.
Nature1 / 10
Octopuses have three hearts and blue blood.
Where did he go?
He is behind something. He is always behind something. Watch the edges, then click where he is hiding.
Four hiding places. One man. Take your time.
Found him 0Wrong guesses 0
Reasonable doubts
Is he dangerous?
To teacups, yes. To people, only emotionally, and only for about four seconds. Afterwards he scratches the back of his head and apologises.
Is he actually a yakuza?
He is a mascot. The name is about details, the kind he notices and then tells you about. The suit is just a suit.
Do these services exist?
No. The menu is an exaggeration, and he is real only in the sense that he is drawn. If you need a real survey done, hire a person.
Does he like coffee?
No. He drinks it anyway, because it gives him what he calls anxious energy and makes him feel alive. Tea is for calm. Coffee is for dares.
Does he speak Japanese?
He says he knows nothing about it. He also understands every word and knows a surprising number of songs. We have stopped asking.
Why is he wearing that mask on the train?
It is a very good mask. He believes public transport deserves it. Every sneeze nearby is taken personally.
Why does he finger-gun people?
It is his version of a wave. If he winks, it means he is pleased with himself.
Why does he get angry?
Nobody knows. Cold tea is the leading theory. Loud chewing is second.
Can I really hire him?
No. But he is happy to be talked to in the booth, which is more than most mascots offer.
Thank you for visiting
He bows, politely and for exactly as long as is correct. Keep an eye on the tea while you leave.